A mile and a half on a bus takes a long time

The keys on my laptop have finally unstuck themselves, so I can write again without screaming in frustration and hitting them as hard as possible. I was beginning to think I’d have to take it apart, which I really didn’t want to do. Serves me entirely right for eating, smoking and drinking over it. I need to stop the bad habits.

Today has been much of a muchness; bad horror films (the House On Haunted Hill remake is beyond awful), coffee and too much food. The weather is terrible and I still don’t have much energy. Dad’s been ’round today to put the shower curtain pole back up after it fell on me last week, and to shout at mum as usual. This is yet another reason why I need to get out of here; they seperated for a reason and I shouldn’t have to listen to the constant bickering. Nothing gets done while he’s here, yet mum won’t quite cut that cord. I understand that she needs him to fix things around the house, but it’s been five years since he retired and very little has been achieved except for things being broken and hurled around when he gets in a temper. Of course, it’s then up to me to listen to mum letting off steam; which I don’t really mind, but I feel trapped in the middle. I simply have no opinion either way; he did very little to bring me or E up, he abused my mother, he won’t give her money she’s owed from his retirement… why does he still come here? I just want to wash my hands of him, and it’s hard to do so when he’s here. It makes it painful, even though I know I’m doing the right thing by denying him a relationship with me.

This weekend I learned a few things; mainly that I don’t like pumpkin pie, and that it annoys me when people in the UK wish me happy Thanksgiving. I dislike most public holidays (Christmas especially) and having a tradition forced on me which isn’t even relevant is frustrating. Still, I quite enjoyed the Thanksgiving dinner S’s landlord’s girlfriend put on, even if it was awkward at times trying to have conversations with die-hard Christians without somehow offending them. Even a conversation about music turned a bit awkward when Aphex Twin was mentioned. S and I spent most of the party hanging out in the kitchen and garden with his landlords son and his girlfriend, talking about astronomy, computer games and experiences with drugs. God knows (ha) what the timid young Christian couple would have thought of that. I mean, they were nice people but… well… too nice. Too afraid to have their own opinions. The smallest swear word or slightly dirty joke was met with blushes and stares. They left early. They simply weren’t my kind of people, I suppose.

S got wonderfully drunk on J&B and we fell asleep together. Woke up the next morning with a sore head (I only had a few fake-Malibu and cokes, but I suppose the Metformin is reacting with alcohol) and we spent most of the day in bed. He’s adorable when he’s drunk; nothing like the experiences I’ve had before with boyfriends getting pissed and either shouting at me or ignoring me entirely.

I have an appointment with my doctor on Thursday morning; I need to get to the bottom of all that’s going wrong with my body. Along with exhaustion and nausea/vomiting, I have a rash all over my feet and on my right hand. I’ve seen a doctor twice about it, and nothing they’ve given me (steroids, anti-fungals) has even begun to work. Sometimes it hurts so much that I can’t sleep – the skin is red raw and full of cracks and deep holes where the skin has simply died away. It’s not eczema, I’ve suffered from that since birth and it’s not the same thing at all. I’ve been suffering with this rash since the summer, and I’m at my wits end. I’ve tried every natural remedy, I’ve tried leaving it alone… nothing fixes it, and it’s depressing me. It feels like my whole body is being attacked.

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  1. Aphex Twin and die-hard Christians. That’s a fantastic combination. As for the rash, I am expressing my sorrow. Unfortunately that’s one of those “where do I begin” ailments. There are so many different causes, it’s almost impossible to pinpoint what it’s from. The fact that it’s painful doesn’t sound too good though.
    I’m no doctor, nor will I pretend to be one as it is I don’t know your other ailments, but if I were to make a prognosis, I’d say it has to do with the immune system adjusting to something, or overreacting. Maybe putting something cold on it would help relieve some pain.


    • Your guess is very much the same as mine; it’s too much of a coincidence that the rash started when my health took a massive dive. I’ve been considering it could be a form of shingles; when the rash first appeared, I experienced extreme nerve pain in my lower back and right leg, and was unable to walk for a couple of week. It’s never been right since, and sometimes it comes back. It was diagnosed as sciatica, but my doctor didn’t actually examine me, just went by my symptoms. It would explain why I’ve had a permanent cold/flu since the summer.

      Cold does help a little, as does E45 cream for a short time. Really, nothing soothes it enough to give me peace though. Hopefully I’ll have some idea of what’s going on, on Thursday. I’m tempted to ask for full blood tests to be done, just to make sure there’s nothing else going on which could be causing all this.


        • I’ve been diagnosed with fibromyalgia since I was 22 (symptoms showing since puberty) but I’m questioning that diagnosis. Too much is going wrong with my body now. I have (deep breath!):

          Constant joint pain, especially in my neck and fingers. X-Rays showed nothing, but I do get swelling, and arthritis runs in our family.
          Either upset stomachs or constipation (lovely!) all the time, along with huge amounts of excess acid, stomach cramps, an inablility to keep food ‘inside’ for very long, acidic vomiting and constant nausea. I’ve been diagnosed with IBS but again, no actual tests were done.
          Migraines and headaches, along with spells of uncontrollable dizziness and loss of balance.
          Pins and needles in my right leg and foot, a few times a week. Worse if I’m tired.
          Occasional loss of function in my right hand – it won’t grip anything and I’ve dropped so many cups and plates.
          Unexplained bruises on my legs (I’ve seen a doctor about it, he said it was nothing).
          Alternately feeling either starving or total loss of appetite.
          Shaking and hand tremors, along with twitches in my face which have recently got much worse.
          Permanent exhaustion and weakness. I’m too scared to cross the road on my own because I can’t judge distances anymore. For most of the week I’m now bedbound.
          Constant illness, sore throats, runny nose, coughing.

          On their own, the symptoms don’t add up to much, but together I’m beginning to think something more is going on. Possibly some sort of immune disorder. I don’t know; I just know I’ve been dealing with this for years now, and I want something done.


  2. hm, i’m not one to ever offer nutritional counsel (haha), but i will simply offer that when i eliminated dairy from my diet, my skin became fabulous. clean, clear, and purely white. i don’t know if you’re a dairy girl, but if you are, then i recommend that you read t. colin campbell’s “the china study” and alicia silverstone’s “the kind diet” and visit her blog at http://www.thekindlife.com. all three sources have literally changed my nutritional life, and perhaps they can do the same for you! (described here: http://nicoleandgwendolyn.com/2011/10/14/food-the-what/).
    and welcome back! x


  3. I really enjoyed reading this post – I like getting such glimpses into the lives of the bloggers I read. I found my self smiling in recognition several times – the bad habits, the dislike of holidays, the too-nice Christians – I home school my son for secular, educational reasons, but the majority of home school families have a religious agenda as well. It drives me nuts, no matter how nice they are.


    • S rents a room in a house, and his landlord’s girlfriend is very Christian. I have no problem at all with religion, unless it gets forced on me, but I admit she’s starting to frustrate me. She’s very controlling, and I think she’s trying to push her values on her boyfriend – he’s not religious at all, but open-minded about beliefs, and he’s changing. When she’s around, he’s quiet and moody but when she leaves for courses or trips elsewhere, he goes back to his normal self – chatty, funny and with a beer in his hand. She tried to stop him drinking at the weekend, in front of everyone; it was a bit cringeworthy :/


  4. I know I am one of your readers who wished you a happy Thanksgiving, and I apologize. I still have a little getting my mind around the fact that people who become familiar and dear to me live anywhere in the world, not just nearby. Please forgive. I have had that “malingerer” feeling from doctors in the past. Have you asked him/her? Maybe it’s time to have a talk with the doc, and see if it might also be time for a change. A malingerer you are not. love and best wishes. Judith


    • No need to apologise – it’s the people in the UK who annoy me. A minor irritation in fairness, but it just makes no sense why somebody who doesn’t celebrate the holiday themselves would wish me a happy Thanksgiving! It feels like we’re taking on every holiday, just for the sake of it, and we have enough :p

      I haven’t asked my doctor, but I think my constant presence is starting to grate on him. I’m tempted to ask, but changing doctors is next to impossible here (you can end up without one).

      I do have a public email, but I’m wary of giving it out, in case it gives away who I am.


    • Hey, I’ve just Googled pyoderma, and it looks much more severe than what I’m experiencing, although this picture – http://medicalpictures.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/pyoderma.jpg – does look very similar. Thanks for mentioning it, I’ll add it to the list! I’ve often wondered if I have Crohn’s, and having just Googled the symptoms again it’s uncanny how many I have. I’ve seen many doctors over the years over my stomach problems (unexplained very painful cramps, inability to digest food properly) and they’ve always said it’s pretty normal and refused to do tests. Perhaps I’ll push it this time. The only thing is, I don’t lose weight easily, so I’m not sure that’s the culprit.


      • After seeing that picture I think I’m skipping breakfast (actually, I always skip breakfast), but I had a less-severe case that only cleared after I started taking Humira. It just felt like REALLY dry skin. As for your diagnosis, Inflammatory Bowel Disease (including Crohn’s and Ulcerative Colitis) does make it harder to gain or maintain weight. It seems that once one subconsciously associates food with pain and humiliation the buffet loses its allure. BTW, love your work: keep it up, and be well!


        • Ah, it’s probably not that then – this is like dry skin, but also blistered and weeping. Mmm, nice! I’m sorry to be so graphic! Shingles does seem the most likely culprit at the moment – the best I can hope for is a referral to a dermatologist, as they’ll probably have more of an idea than my GP does.

          I certainly have something wrong with my stomach, but as for what… it’s just a mystery. Maybe I’ll never know. Again, thank you for the advice! It’s very much appreciated.


  5. Pingback: Dr’s appointment « Halfway Between The Gutter And The Stars

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