In which I get through another week

Friday. I love Fridays.

It means that no matter how bad the week has been (and this week has been particularly stressful), I get to go to the pub tonight, and spend the next two days with S. It means any drama or anxiety can take a back seat while I sleep in the arms of the man I love and eat Chinese takeaway without the usual ‘am I going to die from too many calories?’ worry. It means I can have a bath, shave my legs, wash my hair and wear nice clothes without a thousand questions. Most importantly, it means I made it through another week.

... plus I can have as many hugs from S as I want. And I really love hugs.

Yesterday went from bad to worse after the whole doctor/scan/OMGIHAVESOMETHINGHORRIBLE experience. I couldn’t get the thought of a brain scan out of my mind. I’ve had one before, a long time ago, and remember hating every moment of it. This time though… they’re actively looking for something which may impact on the rest of my life. Which may shape my future. I’ve told my mother, S, and Z (my best friend), but have decided to keep it quiet otherwise. I don’t want people suddenly treating me like some sort of invalid or special case, just because the wheels of diagnosis have started turning.

Most of yesterday was spent in a tearful panic, partly from the appointment and partly due to a total lack of sleep. I have no idea how I didn’t have a full-blown panic attack; I came close in a café, but held it off long enough to get outside and have a cigarette. The constant chatter from my mother didn’t help; I know she’s only talking to me, but when I’m tired and anxious it’s difficult enough to keep putting one foot in front of the other, let alone keep track of a mostly one-sided conversation about things I have little interest in (“ball-rooted Christmas trees!” “cake forks!” “Question Time!”).

We almost had a full-blown argument over my social life, or lack of, and I barely held off weeping over my mozarella panini. She said, “you have S, you don’t need friends who don’t understand you”. Which is all very well and good, but it’s not that friends don’t understand me, they just don’t understand why, when I’m almost 27, I live with my mother under her strict rules, don’t have access to my own money (it gets paid into her bank account, not mine) and why I can’t go out if it’s not been arranged days in advance, since she doesn’t understand how life works these days. Yet again, I’ve given up on having a social life and can only pray that S and I get the house next year so I can start rebuilding it yet again. I’ve done this so many times – made friends, only for them to become understandably frustrated when they can’t visit (mum doesn’t like people in the house) – and I’m sick of it. I just want a life, you know? It’s not too much to ask. It’s not like I want the world.

I owe quite a few readers thanks for their kind replies yesterday. I was incredibly touched that complete strangers and people overseas would be thinking of me, and to be so kind as to share their own experiences of healthcare and illness. I also owe a lot of thanks for those who replied to my articles on depression and eating disorders, and those who have linked to those articles from their own sites. You’re amazing, and I’m humbled. Thank you.

Here’s to the weekend. Hope yours is wonderful.

PS- I also stumbled across a fantastic article on depression and suicide whilst checking my blog stats. Check it out.

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  1. Go forward into the weekend strong noblewoman. Enjoy and relish the freedom you have being away from your mum, open your heart to S and let him wash your hair. Enjoy Chinese, (btw one of my husband’s and mine’s favorite picnics in bed) Put away any fears in a box on a shelf for the weekend. They’ll be there when you open the box back up, but you will have gifted yourself a small reprieve.

    This barefoot momma says; “be kind to you and S, allow this time together to be just that. Close the world away and wallow in one another. It sometimes can be the best medicine!”

    ” Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly & tenderly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile.” if just for the weekend….


  2. This is the first post I’ve read of yours. I’ve noticed that you are a follower on my blog and I finally decided to check it out. Me being the anti-social, I don’t care about anyone else, I’m wrapped up in my own misery kind of person, this is a big thing for me. I’m glad I did. I’m very intrigued. I found I had a lot of questions I wanted to ask. Which is not normal for me to want to get to know someone. It’s not that I don’t want friends. It’s just that I have a hard time making and keeping relationships. I tend to have a very bad, very negative outlook towards other humans. That being said, I’ve rambled on in your comments much as I do in my own blog. Point being, I like. Will read more. I think there’s a lot I might be able to understand about you. Especially the medical/health issues. I’m facing a very scary appointment on the 13th. I haven’t slept in 3 days. Good luck to you though. I hope you enjoy your weekend.


    • I totally understand about being anti-social, it’s one of the reasons why I started writing; in the hope that eventually I’d start communicating a bit with the outside world. I’m a natural misanthrope.

      I read your blog because you seem very similar to me; I like ‘person’ in the singular, but have very little interest in ‘people’ or society. I don’t do it on purpose, I’m just rubbish at keeping friendships and a lot of people seem downright vacuous.

      I hope your appointment goes well, or as well as it can; I haven’t slept well either. Good luck.


  3. I too get depressed when thinking about my lack of social life. But you have a good excuse…living with your mother and her stricked rules. Sounds HORRIBLE. I KNOW a lot of the social problems will get better when you can live your life on your terms. I don’t know what the reasons are for you to be doing that but that would be my #1 thing on my to do list. You need some space. I can’t spend more than a day with my mom before she is driving me up the wall. There is something about mothers that make your anxiety worse I think. The other day I told my mom…listen I have enough “worries” floating around in my head without your constant outloud “worrires” being thrown at me. But if you can’t get away anytime soon, hang in there, it will come. :)


    • Yep, I need some space. Lots of space. I live with my mother mainly for financial reasons, but partly because I worry about her. Her health isn’t great, emotional or physical, and she has nobody else to keep an eye on her.

      We’re (my boyfriend and I) hoping to get a house in May. We’ll be renting it from a friend, so it’ll hopefully be cheaper than renting from a landlord (which is a minimum of around £400 a month for a one-bedroom flat here). Because we like our own space, we ideally need a house so we can each have our own caves, as it were!


  4. I sympathize with your facing that age-old dilemma: living with your mother. Mine and I almost came to blows before I finally got out of the house. One suggestion, which you are of course free to take or leave: begin, perhaps, by moving little parts of your life into your own court. If mother doesn’t want people in the house, find another place to meet. As soon as she realizes that you aren’t around all the time, I bet she’ll change her mind about having your friends over.

    As I said, take or leave this advice. But if you take it, you must be determined to see it through. She may complain, or cry, or start arguments with you. If these are bad enough to break you down, try to get out of her sight before it happens. She will be confused, and perhaps she’ll begin to realize that you have a life and an identity outside that of being her daughter. I hope you and S. have a lovely weekend. I’ll remember you in my meditations, that the test is easy and over and shows nothing at all, or something they can fix easily.


    • I doubt she’ll change her mind about having friends over, but you’re right – I do need to shift parts of my life away and stick to my guns. I’m prone to just giving in, which doesn’t help anything. She’s happy for me to move in with S next year, it’s just an issue while I’m living under her roof. I’m very much my own person, and prone to solitary… which is hard to truly get here.

      We had an amazing weekend, thank you, and thank you for the meditations. I appreciate it.


  5. I’m not going to pretend to know anything about your life- your mom’s rules, why you live with her, anything at all. What I will say is don’t worry about what other people think of you.

    Your life is yours.

    Other people don’t matter unless you want them to. Only you know the whole story.


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