If you could see me now

Tonight I considered
it might all fall apart.

Something so fragile,
weaker than I’d forced myself to believe.

Blankets wet with nineteen days of tears,
mind racing with self-constructed fears,
the smell of ash
and taste of sleeping pills
… anything but the old ways to get me through.

And I wonder if you realise
how hard this was for me tonight?

How I buried myself under chemical calm
so I wouldn’t let the beast take over,
the monster I’d created.

Pushing at me,
pulling me,
willing me,
but I won’t do it.

Tonight, I saw how weak I still am
and a strength I didn’t know I had.

Skin untouched,
tears wiped away,
the empty corner.

I won’t stand vigil tonight.

And perhaps, maybe I won’t sleep,
perhaps I’ll let the tears fall,
but I won’t turn back.

Stars in the sky go unwatched as I lie here,
but refusing to give in.

And I wish you could see me,
I wish you could know how hard this was for me.

Tonight, I considered I took on too much,
I tried too hard and it’s so easy to lose,
this went further than any game
and I realise now I’m the only one playing.

I prayed tonight,
I asked for strength,
I wrote words which made no sense,
I ignored the voice,
I denied the urge,
I wish you saw,
I wish you heard.

I don’t know what you think of me,
and I’m scared to speak these words out loud.

Tonight, I saw how I’m still the enemy,
but I didn’t give in.

Tonight, I considered that if the world could see,
next time might be easier.

(c) 2008

About these ads


Send me love.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s