30 Days Of Truth: Day 5 – Hope.

Something you hope to do in your life.

I tend to avoid looking too far into the future, after being disappointed far too many times. If I don’t think of what lies ahead of me, I can calm my anxiety somewhat. I try to stay in the present, because the past doesn’t hold much allure either.

There are a lot of options for this one.

I hope to be truly healthy one day, not constantly being bogged down by sore throats/colds/urinary infections. To have enough strength in my muscles to walk long distances again and to not have the constant joint aches and tingling sensations. To have the energy to wake up in the mornings and sleep properly at night, without needing naps during the day.

I hope to continue writing, and perhaps make a career of sorts out of it one day. A big dream, but I’m allowed big dreams, right?

I hope to have my own house, or at least somewhere to rent, and to furnish it with things I love. With Smiths and Joy Division posters on the walls in plastic frames, and music always playing. With friends visiting with bottles of wine and staying all night to get drunk and stupid, smoking and watching B-Movies.

I hope to travel, especially to Canada, New Zealand and Japan, and spend time in each of these places, learning about their lives and taking a million photographs.

More than anything though, I hope to be a mother.

I have polycystic ovary syndrome. In short, this means that my hormones are irregular. I have problems regulating insulin, and have many of the symptoms such as weight gain, excess hair and spots. I spend a lot of time and money trying to feel feminine. It also means that I may face problems with my fertility.

I have been taking the contraceptive pill since I was fourteen, to combat the symptoms. At the time, I was told that I would never have children, which stuck with me for years and still occasionally pops up to taunt me now, even though I know differently. Many women with PCOS can conceive, either naturally or through medical ways. However, I have also had many infections – sexual and otherwise – which took a long time to be detected and treated. I currently have another infection, which isn’t an STD but isn’t responding to treatment. I also have suspected endometriosis and have had tissue samples removed and been treated with laser for scarring to my cervix. Along with my other physical health worries, this reduces the risk somewhat. I’ve also had a miscarriage, and have often missed or stopped taking the pill in my stupid past and never conceived.

I also worry that my mental health will be a problem. I often struggle to look after myself, let alone a child; so I know I can’t allow myself to have children until I can devote my energy to them.

I want to be a mother, and do a better job of giving my children freedom than own my mother did. I want to teach them to read and write, and tell them stories at night. I want to hold my own baby and know I achieved something massive, something unlikely. I want to take my children to the park and show them how to do bark rubbings and tell them about trees and flowers. I want to show them the constellations and play them the music I loved as a child. Teach them to spell the names of dinosaurs and planets.

I can have none of this until I’m financially secure. I refuse to bring a child into the world if I can’t afford to support him or her. Perhaps that is an outdated view, but many of my views seem to be strangely traditional. I don’t want to have a baby out of marriage, and I want to have a baby with somebody I love, and who loves me. Sometimes, I think S is that person. I’ve become very motherly and soft since meeting him, and he means the absolute world to me. Sometimes we joke about “our kids” being little geeks with stupid hair and more than a hint of anarchy, but we always retract it before we have to think seriously about it. It’s in no way the right time for either of us, but I do hold a little spark of hope in my heart that I’ve found somebody very, very special.

Day 01  Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02  Something you love about yourself.
Day 03  Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04  Something you have to forgive someone for.

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  1. I wish very much, that you will become a mother one day. I know the problem, since due to my Ehlers Danlos Syndrome I will likely not be able to get a child.

    Always calmative to see, that you are awake late too ;)


  2. Wanted to stop by and thank you for following my blog. I’m *so* impressed by your realistic view about having children. The hurdles are real and need to be addressed. That said, I hope mommy hood comes to you when it’s right.


  3. I know what’s like to wonder if you’ll ever be able to be a mother. It was my deepest desire. I’ve suffered through Grave’s Disease (autoimmune hyperthyroidism), Fibromyalgia, Crohn’s, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, etc. and was so afraid I would never be able to conceive, let alone be able to carry a child, birth a child, and care for a child. I am proof that miracles do still happen – after much heartache, God has blessed me with a beautiful son (he is 19 months old) and though I still struggle with hormonal imbalances (I had my thryoid removed and am still trying to figure out the right balance of Synthroid) and fatigue, my Crohn’s and Fibromyalgia have gone away. Praise the Lord! I pray that God will bless you too with the desires of your heart.


  4. I have 2 kids, 24 and 17…but those 6 yrs between them I had 5 miscarriages. Very traumatic. Never could figure out why. But since I got diagnosed with Antiphospholipid Syndrome in 2006, it explained the miscarriages…my blood clots too easily and just wouldn’t let the fetus attach properly…it was amazing they said that I got the 2 I did, without problems, but I did hemmorrhage badly 4 weeks after delievering each of my kids…it was awful, unexpected, giant clots, cramping…boggy uterus they called it…I called it “OMG!”

    Being a mother has always been my most wanted job in the world…it’s not always easy or fun…but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. You would be a good mom. I can just tell. So, if it’s meant to be, I think you will be in one way or another. You are just a wonderful person…yep, I can just tell…sight unseen…voice unheard…I hearby declare you an awesome person!
    Ok…gotta get off, my pain is rippin me up tonite…wanted to write more….maybe another time! xoxo


  5. I had PCOS and ended up conceiving against the odds, one beautiful child. I am grateful and want to tell you to not give up hope. At the same time, be open to all possibilities the universe holds. As a child who was adopted by a step-family, I have to step up and remind all, that being a mother is not about carrying a child in one’s womb.

    Being a mother is about all those late nights comforting a cold or flu. Encouraging dreams. Nurturing self-esteem. Soothing when a bad-dream happens at 2 am. Validating when a little one feels down on their luck. Comforting them if their beloved pet passes away…… Being a mom is about loving.

    There are plenty of mothers, who have never conceived but are some of the best moms around :- -)

    Family of origin…………………Family of choice


  6. I appreciate you talking about your life so candidly. It’s always seemed dramatic because I see people do it so rarely outside of books, but really it’s just natural. How much of us is left (to be there for others) without talking about our struggles, and so-called “flaws.” And please dream big. You can be a writer; people do it all the time. I’m trying to. And it doesn’t seem unlikely to me that you would have a child. People beat the odds all the time. Thanks for visiting my blog.


  7. Are you writing anything (apart from this blog) at the moment? I think that would be a good way to start reaching for your dream. You could even write a book about your life, using this blog to help. I have found what I have read very touching and confronting. Keep dreaming big, I definitely think anything is possible.

    I agree, being a mother would be the greatest feeling. It’s one of my life goals too. There are so many ways to have kids, just talk to your doctor and they can run through the options for when you are ready! :)

    All the best for your writing and parenting future!


    • No I’m not writing anything else, I did write a lot of poetry in the past but now just write it on here. It’s easier, somehow. I was talking to S today about writing a book; I’ve always wanted to write a novel. We decided that writing my life story with a view to being published would be a bad idea; I’d close up and I’d lose the honesty, I think. A novel though… I really would like to. I just want the perfect idea first.

      Thank you!


  8. Pingback: 30 Days Of Truth: Day 8 – the story of O. « Halfway Between The Gutter And The Stars

  9. Pingback: 30 Days Of Truth: Day 9 – letting go. « Halfway Between The Gutter And The Stars

  10. Pingback: 30 Days Of Truth: Day 7 « Halfway Between The Gutter And The Stars

  11. Pingback: 30 Days Of Truth: Day 6 – the thing you never want to do. « Halfway Between The Gutter And The Stars

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