Someone who has made your life worth living.
Another difficult one; I somehow thought this 30 days thing would be easier.
Of course, I have to dedicate this post to S, as predictable as it will be. I have often thought in the past that people have saved my life in ways, but mostly that was just misplaced adoration and lust. Once the relationship ended, I realised I was simply clinging on to them like a life raft in a failed attempt to stay afloat. My actions and fears pushed them away, rather than saving me.
S and I have been a couple since February – the week before Valentine’s Day – and I have never known anybody quite like him. He has naturally curly brown hair which grows longer at the front than the back. He always has a layer of stubble, no matter how often he shaves. He smokes rollups and drinks out of wine bottles at his computer. He reads books, and his writing style is beautiful. He works in a laboratory at the local hospital, and hates his job. He gets very affectionate when he’s drunk, and weed makes him apologetic. He knows how to use semi-colons, and he’s currently programming his own version of Jet Set Willy for Microsoft Excel.
He can’t make a cup of tea, but makes a beautiful cup of coffee. He drinks his black, without sugar.
I’ve spoken before about how I felt before I met S. How I was incredibly low and beaten-down after splitting up with J, but happy to be single for the first real time in my life. I was battling depression, but getting on top of my anxiety. However, I was still hurting from the experience with J, and was incredibly wary – beyond wary – about everyone. Also, I was terrified about the future; I’d had so many romantic disasters that I must be destined to continue the cycle of relationship/argue/breakup/cry/get a year older, forever.
A couple of months before I met S, I thought about killing myself. I stood on the sea wall, facing the ocean, contemplating just how easy it would be to walk into the waves. It was late at night, and a severe storm warning was in force over the Northwest. I can’t remember what led to that moment, but I found myself on the edge of something I didn’t want to look too deeply in to. O had broken my heart countless times, indulging in hurried sex in the back of his car before going home to his girlfriend and baby, promising me the world but offering me nothing more than clandestine meetings and secret text messages. He’d humiliated me by breaking off our engagement and getting another woman pregnant. J had hurt me futher in his own ways, with cruel words and threats. By scaring me, and for never giving me a single apology or explaination through our whole relationship. Living at home was crushing me. I felt I was losing all my friends, all the freedom I’d fought for. I was relying on prescription pills to get me through each waking moment. So I found myself at the beach, calculating how far it would be to walk to the sea.
The reasons why I turned back still aren’t clear to me. I think I felt guilt at the pain I would cause.
If I had made that step into the sea, I would never have met S, or had the chance to hold hands with him. We would never have spent the hottest day of the year together in the park, reading books and getting drunk onwarm beer.
It’s often S who keeps me going. He made me promise to call him if I ever need to talk, but I rarely need to call him when I’m struggling because just the thought of him calms me. S is the reason why I’ve haven’t harmed myself for months. Why I haven’t purged in a long time. He’s more than a rock; he’s a mountain.
Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.