You’re not right in the head and nor am I, and this is why I like you

I did it. I went to Z’s house on Thursday, and stayed from 1pm to 7pm. I went outside, and didn’t panic or get itchy and strange. I didn’t decide to bail out at the last moment to spend the day reclined in bed, drinking tea and feeling sorry for myself. In fact, I even went so far as to wash my face properly, tie my hair back and sculpt a quiff out of my fringe, put on eyeliner and lipstick, and choose something nice to wear.

Strange things have been happening.

I’ve been remembering to take my pills on time. I’ve had showers and baths, and kept up a skincare routine. When I had my hair done on Friday, I let my hairdresser take my hair shades darker to a deep plum colour and cut a load of layers in. Afterwards, I sat in the coffee shop on the corner on my own, reading my emails and drinking a mocha, then I mooched around the shops for a while before calmly going back home, showing off my hair and then tidying my bedroom. I’ve eaten salad.

I admit, I did get a little tetchy at Z’s; I always do. Bless her, she’s a lovely girl but she can be very single-minded (she’s bipolar), and there’s only so long I can admire her excessive make-up collection before I want to do something else. Personality-wise, we don’t really work as friends. I’m laid-back and want a nice, quiet life, whereas she’s always wanting to be occupied and busy, changing plans and planning things. I love her to bits, I really do; but I don’t think BPD and bipolar work very well together.

Z painted my nails a deep crimson colour and we spent half an hour chasing tiny gems around the table, trying to get them to stick on top. It ended up looking ridiculous and I picked it all off later on, but I appreciated the girly time. I don’t get anywhere near enough of it. Part of my problem is that I distrust women; I always have done. I don’t think there’s any real basis to the lack of trust – unless you count the bitches in school – and it’s something I’ve tried working on in the past but always failed. I simply feel more comfortable in male company.

We smoked a shisha, and I bought some make-up off Z. I really can’t afford it – I’m struggling with money at the moment – but I needed the boost and she needed the money.

I think I will always find friendship somewhat unnatural, and something I need to work on. Still, I’m taking Thursday as a good sign.

I’m proud of how well I coped with Friday. I’ve been feeling anxious about my hair, and whether I can justify spending almost £80 on a cut and colour; it’s a lot of money. As I mentioned, I’ve been awful at budgeting recently and I’m putting it down to all the stress of the neurology appointment and late-night binges. I don’t often go crazy spending money, but when I do… I stress a lot. I hate owing money and being in any sort of debt, and I really hate not having anything spare in case I need something during the week. It serves me entirely right for spending £100 on weed really; I shouldn’t have done that. Still, it was an investment. That’s grown-up and responsible, right?

Still, I did well. Chatted happily in the hairdressers and didn’t feel too exposed or aware of myself, and sitting on my own with a coffee is a small miracle in itself; I even went upstairs. I carried a tray – something I haven’t felt confident enough to do for a long time – and I think I even smiled at a woman reading a book across from me. The bus journey home was actually a good experience – I like people-watching – and I didn’t even panic when my mother suddenly decided she wanted me to order a million things for her online shortly before I was due to get a taxi to S’s house for the weekend.

You know what?

I feel good. I feel positive. I’ve missed that feeling, and that’s the cruellest aspect of depression; it makes you forget just how amazing life can feel sometimes. There’s a reason why I’m still here, and that’s because I like living and I know that sometimes the world is a wonderful place if you just let it be. My brain just doesn’t always agree.

S is also entirely skint, so we skipped the usual Friday-at-pub-then-takeaway routine and I took a load of ingredients to his house to attempt cooking something amazing. I’m a good cook, but for some reason I can’t function well in his kitchen. The oven is old and bad-tempered, and I always end up undercooking everything. I tried to make a cheese and vegetable tart, but it turned into two oddly-shaped pasties and a pile of goo in the bin. Oh well. S was good-natured about it, thank god.

We went for a walk on Saturday afternoon, along the field nearby and around the ‘nature reserve’ (really a pile of scrub and some paths), holding hands and chatting. It’s a long time since I felt up to walking any real distance, but I felt really good about it. I liked being outside in the cold, clear air, with the sun just starting to set and the  man I love wrapping his arm around my shoulders and lighting the last of a joint for me as we sat on top of a small hill and watched the sun go down.

I didn’t sleep well last night, because I missed him. I should be too old for this, but he really does fill my every waking – and often sleeping – moment. I sleep wonderfully when we’re together, it’s the only time I get real, deep sleep and wake up feeling okay. Waking up next to his sleepy, dopey face is the best feeling in the world. Whenever we sleep together, he wakes me up with a kiss and a hug, without fail. I can’t possibly have a bad day when it begins like that.

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  1. This is great! You went out and enjoyed yourself. You did something for yourself! Got your hair done, went to a friends and did stuff! Saw “S”. Yeah, it sucks when you have to part. You’ll meet up again. Always look forward to that! You took control and did it! You can fight all this crap! Keep it up! It’s great to read a positive post!

    Geez, I only get along with people who aren’t right in the head. I mean, what fun would it be if you only hung out with “right in the head” people? Oh god, how boring!


  2. What an absolute joy to hear about a week of successes. Your remission is taking hold of you, and you seem to be coming back to life — I am so happy for you and proud of you! Even if tomorrow is an absolutely crappy day, you can congratulate yourself for the good days you’ve had, and look forward to the next one. I’m celebrating with you; remember how this feels, so that if you find yourself in the dumps again, you have this happy weekend to look back on. Having that to draw on, your life will slowly grow in that direction. You GO, girl!!


  3. I too was able to chat with the hair dresser recently when I cut off the majority of my hair and got layers in!
    I understand the absolute feeling of loneliness and the inability to sleep without that one person there. I haven’t seen mine face to face since late March 2011. I have until Feb 13th when I finally get to see him again. It’ll be the only decent stretch of good sleep I’ll have until he can be here for good.


    • Yay for chatting to hairdressers! I’m in no way brave enough to cut off the majority of my hair; I’ve spent three years growing it.

      It’s strange; I don’t know why I find it so hard to sleep without S, considering I’ve always hated sharing a bed. I truly couldn’t survive not seeing him face-to-face for such a long time, it must be heartbreaking for you.


  4. aww a hug and a kiss is absolutely the best way to begin a day. I’m glad you had great Thursday. And I’m with you on the girl/women thing, even though I hang around with them, I can’t bring myself to trusting them….but as long as I can trust somebody, I’m not going to fuss about the gender. hope you lovely days such as your Thursday happen more frequently:)


    • I don’t know why I have such an issue with women; I mean, I’m one, and I think I’d trust me! A psychologist would have a field day with me. God knows what Freud would have thought.

      You’re right though, gender doesn’t matter. I suppose I’m quite a laddish girl in a lot of ways – although I wear makeup and like ‘pretty’ things, I swear and drink and smoke and burp and fart like the best of them – and I naturally gravitate towards men as friends. They tend to be more like me, I suppose.

      Thanks :)


  5. Just loving your honesty…..I’m pretty down in the pit right now…..

    “I feel good. I feel positive. I’ve missed that feeling, and that’s the cruellest aspect of depression; it makes you forget just how amazing life can feel sometimes. There’s a reason why I’m still here, and that’s because I like living and I know that sometimes the world is a wonderful place if you just let it be. My brain just doesn’t always agree.” <—–SO right on.


  6. I’m glad you’ve had some girly time and enjoyed it … I haven’t had that in so long, and when I did – it was nothing more than getting high and binge eating. Gawd, I wish I had someone to do it all with.

    “I feel good. I feel positive.”
    :) I hope you’re feeling as beautiful with your new do’, as we see you. xx


  7. I’m really glad to read that you’re in a positive state right now! Like others have said, enjoy it to the fullest. Unfortunately, I’ve been going the opposite direction, mostly. But funny that you mention girly time because I’ve been having some of that lately which I rarely do. And only people that I get close to have some sort of mental problem. Life really is/can be beautiful. We just have to remind ourself of that when our minds are stubborn.


    • We do. It’s hard, I admit… too hard to deal with sometimes. Still, it’s a good feeling when you remember just how enjoyable life can be sometimes.

      In a way, I would like to make friends other than those with mental health problems. I sometimes worry that I’m taking on characteristics and there’s no doubt that Z’s bipolar does stress me out, just as my BPD must frustrate her. I naturally feel better with ‘my own kind’, though. They understand how life can be.


  8. HI…So glad to come to your pages and find you in a sunny mood. My days had been quite hectic recently.Had been travelling around with a relative and so on. Haven’t been able to read your posts for quite a while. But as I said, it’s wonderful to find you in a positive ,upbeat frame of mind. Cling on to it, dear one.:-)


  9. Too old for needing someone beside you? I think not! This is human nature and having someone beside us who nurtures and loves us unconditionally is what love is. Love is a kind gentle mate next to us always.

    So good to hear you are feeling content, if just for the weekend at first,it’s a perfect start and addition to your life.


  10. Sounds like a great few days! I never get girl-time and rarely venture out to be social myself so I can relate to some of your feelings on friendship.

    Thanks for following my new blog. I’m still getting the hang of this site. :)


  11. It sounds like you have a pretty good fan base. I didn’t look at how many post you have, but if you ever want to turn your posts into a book then use I love it. I can download my posts between certain dates and put them in book format (pictures included) to throw on my book shelf or to give as gifts, or to offer to the public at large. Your book could help hundreds deal with the same struggles.

    I like your writing style. You are very clear and use easily descriptive wording. Kuddos.




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