When you’re on your own, it’s a long walk home

I went a bit crazy yesterday and decided that I would spend the entire day rearranging my bedroom and cleaning under the furniture – from the sublime to the ridiculous, you may say – and you know what? I did it. After hours of swearing, sweating, broken nails, too many smoke breaks and two whole films along with most of my Youtube playlist, I got it finished eventually, and I have to say I’m quite proud. It looks good. I’ve put my bed under the window against the radiator (tried turning it off since I overheat like a pig in a sauna, but couldn’t turn the knob) and moved my desk next to the bed, so I can reach my lamp more easily and also sit on my office chair with my legs up, rather than having to lie on the bed if I want to be comfortable. The telly’s been moved to the foot of my bed so I don’t have to sit in a ridiculous position to watch it, and I cleaned as much of the room as I could manage before collapsing. I still need to sort out my clothes and fold them neatly in drawers rather than have them strewn around the house like a gigantic floordrobe, but I’ll have to do that another day; I’m knackered now. In a good way.

On Tuesday I went for a walk, along the embankment beside the water-treatment plant. The sun was just beginning to set and the mashes were peaceful. I smoked a joint and watched some ducks paddle around in a marshy puddle. For all the faults living in a seaside town has (I have a mortal fear of tourists), we do get amazing sunsets – even the weak ones are impressive – and living a minute away from a nature reserve is perfect. I briefly volunteered for the RSBP on the reserve, but only went twice before copping out; it just wasn’t for me. I’ll miss it here when I leave; it’s always been my private place.

Went to the garage to buy tobacco, and coped pretty well. In all, I was outside on my own for around 40 minutes, and walked along two main roads. That’s more than I’ve done in months, and it’s only now I realise that I’ve missed it terribly. Considering I’m so fearful of the outdoors, I like being out of the house as much as possible. Typical.

I’m going to Liverpool with Z tomorrow.

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  1. I’m so proud of you, and so happy for you! Another step along the path of remission. I hope you and Z have a good day tomorrow. Remember, though, if you don’t it’ll be because 40 minutes outside on your own — I am so proud of you!!! — is a big jump to going to the city for the day. Do be gentle with yourself. What a blessing you are to everyone who reads you, especially those beaten down, as you were. Feels really good to read along with your changes. Thanks for being so honest about the whole thing!


  2. I have never heard the term floordrobe, but it’s pretty awesome!

    I’m mightily impressed on the cleaning and re-arranging. (I don’t suppose you want to come to Cheshire and help me sort my flat, do you? ;) ) There’s a lot to be said for making life easier, and more comfortable.


  3. I’m so happy to hear the progress you’re making. It always feels great to set your mind to a task and then getting it done. I definitely need to do that – my apartment definitely needs a good cleaning.

    It sounds like you are taking these steps at a pace that is comfortable for you, and that’s great. Take each day as they come – it will feel so much more manageable.

    Best of luck!


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