I’m so nervous, I just sit and smile

.Last night, S and I met at the pub. I planned to get a bus to further my amazing recovery, but managed to miss it by a minute, so yet again I ended up talking to a taxi driver and feeling frustrated. I’m truly beginning to loathe taxis. I miss the independence of being able to step onto a bus without freaking out, and able to stand at a bus stop and make idle chit-chat without wanting to die on the spot. I don’t know why buses became such an issue; they certainly never used to be. I’ve taken thousands of buses in my life, and it’s only in the past two years or so that I’ve become fearful of them. I feel hemmed-in and restricted by the seats, and I worry that everybody is staring at me. Stepping onto a bus seems to take enormous courage; which is silly. I’ve forced myself to just do it anyway lately, and I’ve actually enjoyed the experience once I’ve dealt with the panic; I like people-watching, and buses are ideal places to do that.

S held me all night. Refused to let me go. We drank wine and ate Chinese takeaway. Watched The Secret Life of Machines and had mind-blowing sex. Fell asleep for an hour with our noses touching.

I woke up at 8am today, and promptly fell out of bed thanks to an entirely numb leg. When I stood, I noticed that the upper back pain has returned and my neck is stiffening again. I’m down to two steroids a day now (from five) so I can only assume that the dose is now too low to kill the pain. Dragged my leg around for most of the day and was very tempted to sit down in the middle of town and fall asleep. It’s amazing how quickly you forget how it feels to be in pain 24 hours a day. You forget just how soul-destroying it is. I’m out of weed too, so that’s more reasons for the pains to return. Part of me is so tempted to turn back to codeine, but I know that would be such a bad move. I know it’d be the worst thing I could do right now. I’ve just broken the habit – literally only just broken it – and I don’t want to go back there. I gave it up by accident; and I need to appreciate that blessing.

All the money I don’t have?

I spent it on jewellery today. Whoops.

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  1. Oh sweetie. Great date … so sorry about all the other shit. You are an amazing person to withstand such pain and anxieties. Hey, i’ve got the opposite thing: Taxis freak me out … i’m afraid some pyscho driver will take me out into the woods and kill me. Buses, eh, while they are crowded, i just look down at whatever toy i have in my hand and try not to inhale too deeply. Big city smelly, buses. Lots a love, … melis


  2. I used to have similar fears with the bus – not quite to your degree – but I always felt people were staring at me. Even now, I am most comfortable sitting on the back and facing forward, so that it’s me that’s doing the staring. People watching is still one of my fav past times. It works to clear my mind sometimes. I’m just glad you have amazing moments – such as with S – that can counter those other unpleasant moments you have to live with… take care & ttfn:)


  3. Since I just started following I am not sure what happened for you to have all the pain. One thing for sure, DON’T DO THE CODEINE!!! If, it means you have to smash your little pinky with a hammer to 1. take your mind off the other pains you are having, 2. give you something to do for a few minutes before, 3. heading to the ER to get it fixed, then so be it. Instead of thinking about how long/short you have been off, think about where you want to go, how you want to feel (even with the pain), and what you want to be able to look back and say you did or did not do. My sister just dropped some of her mood medicine because it took away her personality, her essence. She went from being herself (when on the medication) to being a zombie of sorts, even at half dose. Enjoy the pain. It is who you are. Easier said than done, but that is the way it is.



  4. Hi, kiddo — Good for you for a terrific time with S. I am often stuck with the taxi thing, as our buses don’t go all over town, and one of the places they miss is where I work. I have a lovely friend who is now giving me work rides — thanks, E. I’m so sorry about the return of the pain — can you add back in one of the steroids, and see if that helps? I don’t think you need to enjoy the pain, as the commenter before me suggested, but maybe see how little medication it takes to stop it. One other thing — I sit on the back seat of the bus — if someone wants to look at me, they have to physically turn their heads or bodies, and then, you can wither them with a stare. I hope you are pain-free again soon!


    • I don’t mean for her to enjoy the pain in a sadistic kind of way, but don’t let drugs be the first thing that comes to mind when combating it. Kind of like you said, see what the smallest dose is and go from there. Sorry for any negative connotation in my original posting. There are other ways to cope too, like some forms of Yoga, meditation, acupuncture, etc…


  5. Glad you had some fun before the pain shit kicked in. Um feeling shitty too and dragging my leg. I walk sorta like a drunk person but I usually haven’t even been drinking. My whole body hurts right now and me and steroids ain’t friends. Pain is a real bitch. Sneaking up on us when we least expect. I drunk my tea and whiskey but it didn’t help with this pain today. Guess I’ll need another cup. Hope you feel better.


  6. Wrote this on my blog after your reading your entry:

    The tragic assumption is that grass is green at all, not just greener elsewhere in place or time.

    Not greener on the other side, or greener where you stand, or greener yesterday or tomorrow… but that grass can ever be always green.

    Accept the burnt ends, dead patches, browned strands, sandy pits, unkempt stretch… THE WEEDS.

    It’s inevitable.


  7. I have a problem with busses too. It’s part of my clausterphobia. There are some that are safe. And there are some that are not. Ones that are too crowded, well, I’ll stand in the freezing cold to wait for the next one. I won’t do cabs. I’m frugal with money, because inevitably, I’ll have a hypomanic episode. Besides, cabs freak me out too. Stuck in a car with a stranger. At least I know the bus has to let me off somewhere.


    • Yeah, I won’t get on a crowded bus either. I hate having to stand next to total strangers, being stuck in their armpits and knocking against old ladies.

      Cabs do freak me out, but I’ve always reasoned that I’d be pretty good at giving a quick kick to the head if someone tried anything. I did once have a taxi guy who locked all the doors; ever since then I’ve been paranoid about making sure they’re always unlocked.


      • If I’m the first on a bus that’s getting crowded, I’m usually kind of okay. That’s because I choose a “safe seat”. It’s the seat on the bus right in front of the backdoor with the plexiglass. That way, no one can sneak up behind me, and I have full view of everything and everyone.

        The human race is gross. I hate having to stand on a crowded bus for those same reasons. I always get jammed against the sweaty fat guy, or fall into an elderly person. That’s the last thing I want to do is kill the grandma with the walker. Ugh, people are disgusting. I can’t tell you the nasty odors and stink in the air on a crowded bus. In the summer, it’s the worst. There are buses that I can’t take, because I know that they will be crowded and disgusting.

        Or those ones that are accordion buses, as I call them. The movement in the middle screws with my senses and can send me into a panic attack.

        I have never taken a cab alone. And I hope that I never have to.


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