You live with straights who tell you you was king, jump when your momma tell you anything, the only thing you done was yesterday

It’s just past 5am, and I don’t really remember falling asleep yesterday afternoon. Woke up a couple of times and vaguely recall drinking a cold instant hot chocolate, but otherwise slept through entirely.

Yesterday didn’t go well, mood-wise. Being up all night left me irritable and snappy,  and the joints I’d smoked in the morning meant I was far from in the mood to help with the shopping. The whole house thing was weighing on my mind too, and I found myself wandering around Sainsbury’s, picking up random items and putting them down again, not really knowing what to do with myself. Buying food for the week was a disaster; ended up with a box of cereal, coffee, tobacco, a lettuce and two Quorn ready meals. I just couldn’t make enough sense of anything to make food choices.

My mother and I poked around a couple of charity shops, and although I had a minor panic when I saw a pair of jeans I really liked in my size but which seemed far too small (I don’t do changing rooms), I did manage to root out two tops – a long, tiered floral strappy one, and a long-sleeved Falmer smock – and a lovely brown cardigan with flared sleeves. Charity shops are sometimes the only things keeping me sane.

I’m very grateful to everyone who commented on my last post, offering support and good wishes. I’m just trying to clear my mind a little before I reply to you all; I’m too grumpy and spaced-out to do the kindness justice right now.

Received another message on Facebook:

After meeting ****** he informed me that we have to inform our building society that our property would become a ‘buy to let’ property and that our mortgage payments would be adjusted accordingly. We’ve thought about this and realised that our best option is to sell, the overheads now outweigh any potential rental income. I’m sorry to have to tell you this. I don’t even know if it was something you were both considering, but I have to let you know the score.

I feel awful for telling your this and I apologise massively if I’ve let you down.

I need some advice. BPD is taking over right now, and I know I can’t reply when paranoia and depression will have a hand in it; allowing them to speak for me never goes well. So, what should I say? I’m often lost for words when speaking to others personally, and I don’t want to cause any grief or upset her. It’s not her fault that S and I put so much faith into renting her house.

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  1. My gosh… It sounds like time for some serious help before things get worse. Didn’t your mom notice how bad off you are? Although going to Goodwill (our biggest US “charity” shop, we call them thrift or second hand stores) usually helps me out a great deal. Unless I try something on and it’s too small. Then you might as well admit me. I don’t know how things are like where you live… like what kind of services you have… but if I was feeling like you feel now… and I have, (Although not the pot part. Never have tried it. I was just going to in the last month before I met some people in the hospital who had the “anxiety” affect from it… so I’m kinda thinking maybe it’s not not me since most things work opposite w me anyhow.) … I would be checking myself in, or having someone else check me in to get back on track. For me, even just the complete change of environment seems to make a difference. Breaks my habits. I haven’t read all of your blog so I don’t know if being in the hospital has been a problem in the past or what other things you’re open and not open to…. But regardless, you’ve got to do something. The charity shop can only keep you partially sane!

    Sure hope you’re feeling better soon, I’m sorry it’s bad right now!



    • Thanks for that, Mandi, I appreciate the support a lot. I don’t think it’s half as bad as it possibly sounds though; I’ve reacted worse. I just don’t cope well with feeling let down.

      I agree about the weed; if you’re wary, don’t smoke it! It helps calm my anxiety a lot, and I’m so much improved by it (plus it’s great for pain) but I know a lot of people who feel paranoid because of it. S can’t smoke it. He used to, but he gets incredibly edgy now. I react really well to downers, some people don’t, and I really wouldn’t risk it if you’re at all unsure.

      I’ve had bad experiences with hospitals, and I seem to cope much, much better if left to deal with things on my own without others getting too involved. However, thanks :)


        • Yeah, I wouldn’t go either. Not unless I was forced kicking and screaming, and even then I’d manage to stay out :D I know lots of others have been helped by hospital stays… it just doesn’t work for me. I can’t stand the lack of freedom.

          I mean, lots of people never have a problem with weed, but I’m not daft enough to believe that nobody’s going to had a negative experience. I think of it as being like any drug – legal or not – in that it has side-effects, and some people get them, some worse than others, and there’s no real reason for it.

          Thanks, Mandi :D


  2. I thought that would be the reasoning.

    I’m gutted for you. I reckon you ought to be able to tell this girl that you’re gutted she’s having to sell as you would have really liked to have rented her house. If you can’t do that, maybe just tell her you’re having to take some time to process the new information?

    At least she told you herself, rather than you finding out by driving past and seeing a “for sale” sign up.


  3. Tell her that yes, you and S are disappointed, but understand. The have to do what they have to do. It’s not her fault. And that you realize they aren’t doing this to hurt anyone.

    That’s all you have to say. Sweet, short and to the point.

    I know you’d like to say “YOU SOB! S and I were really depending on this house to get our lives together and now you’ve taken that away from us”.

    But that would get you no where.

    There IS something else out there! Keep checking papers. Also, you might like to make your own ad: “Couple looking to rent home” and state what area your looking to live in and a number. There maybe people who want to rent but aren’t sure they’ll get anyone. Or maybe you’ll spark someone an idea. Can’t hurt.


    • Gah, typed out a reply and it vanished; typical!

      Thanks for the advice; it’s all good, and I’ll sit down tonight with S and get him to help me type out a reply to her on Facebook. I’ll certainly quote you. S is less likely to let emotions get in the way, since all I want to do is scream and shout and have a proper tantrum.

      An advert is a great idea, hadn’t thought of that. I’ll see what S thinks; it might possibly get us somewhere a bit cheaper. I just wish renting wasn’t so expensive. Do you know, we have one of the highest council tax rates in the country? A small seaside town with roads full of potholes and all the shops closing down… and you need to sell a kidney just to afford to live here.


  4. Just my opinion: I would say, “Thank you for letting me know. This has shaken me a little, (you know it’s more than a little, so put whatever word you are comfortable with.) I’ll be back to you when I’m feeling a little better; in the meanwhile, thanks once again, for your initial offer, and for telling me when you found it wasn’t going to work that way. With love and appreciation,……..”


  5. Hi HWBTGATStars, I’ve just been reading your blog, it sounds as though you’ve been through the mill. I know exactly how you feel re the situation of being back at home, I too am in the same position and on top of a lot of other things I find it makes it that little bit harder not having your own independence. I also find myself doing the exact same thing when I’m out shopping being so indecisive of what to get, picking things up, putting them back down and not leaving with half the stuff you intend on getting, I guess that what a picked head does, made me chuckle, I guess you have to laugh at these things when things aren’t looking too good for whatever reason.


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