Wednesday 11th January
Woke up at 7:15 feeling like crap. Had a quick shower and got a taxi to the hospital. Had to give loads of embarassing info about my sex life, drug use, hospital stays (I decided not to mention the emergency admission) before seeing Dr Thomas. Had yet another internal scan with three people watching. I need to go back in six weeks to have the lining of my cervix burned away. Dr Thomas said it may get the bleeding under control. It was hard, sitting in the waiting room watching all these women coming out with their little scan pictures. I asked the doctor about my chances of conceiving, but he said right now it would be too invasive to find out.
Dreading college tomorrow. I’m so tired and so damn depressed. Feel like nobody is supporting me with this; feels like O has turned his back on me. Maybe I’m paranoid, but lately he hasn’t been answering my calls, he hasn’t spoken to me like he used to and rarely comes online anymore. I know new year was hard for us, but he insisted he was going to change; if this is how he’s changing, I don’t like it.
Maybe I should have simply forgiven him. Maybe that would have been easier. But I’m just not the soft touch I used to be. I’m thinking that’s maybe not such a good thing. Am I being used?
Thursday 12th January
I need to remember to hide this diary, especially if E* is staying tomorrow night. No such thing as privacy in this house.
A funny day, really. I’m still a little worried about he diathermy – looked it up online and it sounds painful – and the tiredness; today was just ridiculous, I didn’t feel awake once. Slept for four hours this evening and still don’t feel right. Need to ring the doctor in the morning.
I feel guilty over what I wrote about O yesterday. It’s not his fault I’m finding it so difficult to get over new year, not his fault circumstance has made it difficult to contact him. I need to have a good talk to myself about this; I can’t go on with the paranoia, can’t spend my life feeling like I have to defend my position with him. Yes, he did something wrong and I don’t think he expects me to forgive him but for my own sanity I need to force myself to let it go. It’s so hard though. When someone you love shatters yourr trust for them, it’s difficult to say, “okay, that’s fine. There’s no denying I love him, that’s never been a question, but I can’t help the fear that something is going on. We’re into our second year together; I should be able to deal better with it. I’ve just never been good at this sort of thing.
Friday 13th January
Spent the day alone. Woke up feeling awful, like I’ve got a cold. Spoke to O, felt really guilty that I had to say I coudn’t see him; I want to do as much as I can to heal the rift between us and I know being tired and needing to spend the day in bed probably doesn’t help. Mind you, neither does falling asleep at his house, so I probably can’t win either way.
I think O is more secure with this than I am. I can still feel a sort of atmosphere between us,but I get the impression it’s me causing it. I have so many issues I need to work through; I only recently got over our first real argument and that was over six months ago. So how long will it take me to deal with this? I’m trying hard to pretend it’s all fine, but the mask keeps slipping.