“I’m Fine”

18 May

This lack of control is killing me,
your eyes are open but you can’t see,
the pain I bury, the shame I hide,
the secret anger I keep inside.
Sometimes I speak but you can’t hear,
my words are stunted, censored by fear,
I choose it all so carefully,
I want you to know, but I’m afraid you’ll see.

My weakness and all I’ve become,
my desperation and all that I’ve done,
the holes I’ve dug and the walls I build,
I hide my feelings beneath blankets of guilt.
I can’t explain why I keep it inside,
when you know it happens, why do I lie?
You know the reality, you’ve seen the truth,
yet I do my best to keep this from you.

I slide down further, I lose my grip,
you reached out for me but I let myself slip,
and why do I do this, why do I fall?
I never meant for any of this, any of this at all.

This loss of power, it’s destroying me,
it’s chipping away at who I used to be,
I wash my hands, I tidy this away,
sweep it under the carpet because I’ll never say,
that I’m losing control, that I can’t seem to stand,
on my own, without your hands,
to pull me up out of this hell I made,
the monster I created that day.

I try to control us, but it’s killing me,
my eyes are open but I’ll never see,
past the bathroom and the kitchen light,
I reach out to you, but you’re not here tonight.
My disgrace, it’s tearing my skin,
it’s ripping at everything I’ve ever been,
a crutch I made, a path I chose,
I have no control, and I know it shows.

Tiny white pills, slowly killing me,
but I close my eyes, refuse to see,
empty bottles hidden and your photo on my wall,
nothing can save me… nobody at all.
This lack of control was always killing me,
what I loved was always the enemy,
letters unwritten and diaries burned,
pills, bottles, bathrooms – lessons I never learned.
Words I wrote never got to you,
feelings I’ve hidden, but it’s nothing new,
it’s nothing you haven’t heard before,
just another night on the bathroom floor.
This lack of control, you speak to me,
I want to confess, I want you to see,
but I fall silent, consumed by the shame,
just two words:
‘I’m fine’
…as I fall apart again.

(c) 2008

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Posted by on May 18, 2012 in Poetry


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25 responses to ““I’m Fine”

  1. judithatwood

    May 18, 2012 at 3:14 pm

    Love from sunny Maine! Wow — that’s all I can say! Do you still write much poetry? I’d love to read some.

    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      May 21, 2012 at 12:32 pm

      I do occasionally; some recent poems are here somewhere. I’ll try to find them for you. Thanks Judith! Much love from England, where it’s a gorgeous day.

  2. My Ox is a Moron

    May 18, 2012 at 5:23 pm

    What a poignant and beautiful poem. It really touched me. I’ve have tagged you in my blog and would like you to come play, if you would like.

    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      May 21, 2012 at 12:22 pm

      Thank you very much for reading, commenting, and the tag :)

      For some reason, your blog is refusing to load though.

  3. britneyana

    May 18, 2012 at 5:34 pm

    Holy crap.


    I’m normally more articulate than this.

  4. Tasha_Smith

    May 18, 2012 at 8:43 pm

    love it really touching , thank u for following my blog btw :) much love from london . I have attempted to do poetry before, If you get a minute would be great to hear what you think its at tasha x

  5. zongrik

    May 18, 2012 at 9:49 pm

  6. ZQ

    May 19, 2012 at 2:51 am

    Awesome, pull the shade up, you creative messenger. :-)
    A very nice piece.

  7. frankoshanko

    May 19, 2012 at 4:32 am

    What a beautifully written poem! It is sad and informative. It helps me better understand a lover of mine. God bless you! Frank

    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      May 21, 2012 at 11:54 am

      Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment, Frank. I really appreciate it :)

  8. Emilino Emloile

    May 19, 2012 at 6:12 am

    this is what i felt like around a year nd a half ago. the feeling of helplessness grew to the point of wanting to commit suicide. then God found me. i dont know whether you want to kill yourself or not. i just want to say that whenever you feel so desperate it seems impossible to keep living, God is there wsiting for You. He wont give up on you. He wont leave you or forsake you.

    • halfwaybetweenthegutter

      May 21, 2012 at 11:47 am

      At the time I wrote this (2008), I think I was suicidal. I didn’t realise it at the time, and I got through somehow, but yeah… they were very dark times after my engagement fell apart. I didn’t find God, but I suppose I found my way somehow. Sometimes I do wonder if someone was looking out for me, but whether I believe it’s God or not… I’m not sure.

  9. Victoria Oldham

    May 19, 2012 at 10:54 am

    Beautiful and heart wrenching.

  10. Noel Williams (prhayz)

    May 19, 2012 at 6:13 pm

    Awesome indeed!

  11. plasticbagpoetry

    May 19, 2012 at 7:55 pm

    pure quality!

  12. pdlyons

    May 21, 2012 at 5:48 pm

    so who you realy are is a poet?


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