About the drugs – you’re playing with fire. Don’t get burned.
– comment from YAPCaB
I’ll never learn. I try to; for the last few years, I’ve tried so hard to fight my various demons – painkiller addiction, bulimia, binge-eating, self-harm – the urge to sink and slip away from a world which has always confused me so much. I’ve tried to better myself.
I’ve never been one for willpower; I just never seemed to grasp the concept behind it. Giving things up… I’ve always had such an addictive personality that the idea of stopping a behavior – damaging or not – has long been something I can’t comprehend. I always had huge amounts of respect for those who give up smoking or lose weight without resorting to extreme dieting and making themselves vomit, because it’s something I’ve never really been able to do. A couple of days, maybe… but then I always slip back into old crutches and coping mechanisms.
Then, something changed. I split up with J, and suddenly I wanted to leave all that behind. I was single for the first time since fifteen years old and I’d finally torn myself away from J’s abuse, finally started to understand why my relationship with O failed so epically. For the first time I truly looked at myself and my life, and I wanted to be different. I didn’t want to keep adding scars.
Last night, I realised why decisions made in haste are never the best idea. I thought I’d be okay taking just a couple of Tramacet, but didn’t figure on them reacting with the usual meds. I certainly didn’t expect to be vomiting uncontrollably into a cereal bowl at 3am, sweating through my pyjamas and hallucinating that the walls were moving. I lay in the dark, stinking of spew and chemicals, and wondered why it seemed like such a good idea at the time.
Yesterday, I was stressed for no reason. Sad with no clues as to why. I’d meant to go out for a walk around the embankment, but tiredness was pulling at me and I’ve picked up my mother’s virus; really not what I need right now. With the benefit of hindsight I know exactly why I wanted to block the day out with Tramacet; I was scared of being ill.
I’ve been chronically sick for such a long time that the idea of spending a week or so battling the virus which has all but crippled my mother is something I just couldn’t cope with. I know it’s weak; it’s only a virus after all. I just didn’t want to think about how long it takes me to recover from any illness thanks to fibromyalgia. I can still be exhausted by a cold months later. I didn’t want more sickness.
Of course, I just brought sickness on myself. Now, I’m sitting here in my bedroom, tucked under my purple duvet and leaning against a v-shaped pillow, wondering why I feel so bad. After all, it’s not like I have the urge to take any more tramacet. It’s not a relapse if I can’t stomach the thought of vomiting up bitter pills again. I just feel like I’ve let myself down, I suppose.
I’m no superwoman. I’ve proved that throughout my life. I react badly to stress and take criticism far too personally. My self-worth depends on my physical appearance. I seek approval. Relationships have been destroyed by my need to know where somebody is at all times. I’ve controlled others. Used drugs to blank out pain. Put myself in situations where I know a man will abuse me, and allowed it to happen. I’ve been in psychiatric hospitals; was given anti-psychotics at fourteen years old. I’ve had child therapists and I dropped out of school when the bullying became too much to deal with. I’ve lied to convince others my life is better than the reality. I’ve cheated on tests and in relationships, and taken my life for granted every time I tried to end it with paracetamol overdoses.
I’m not perfect. I never claimed to be. However, I do want to better myself regardless of the various ways I’ve tried to destroy everything. In the past I’ve somehow always managed to bounce back from hitting rock bottom, and I hold onto that knowledge. Sometimes, it’s all that keeps me going.
I’m okay. I’m getting there. It’s just hard to always stay upright.
- Reading about Borderline Personality Disorder (fiercelinguist.wordpress.com)
- the fine print (sevaeunplugged.wordpress.com)
- Borderline Personality Disorder (tazromagna.wordpress.com)
- How do I get through the day? (strugglingwithbpd.wordpress.com)
- can I cope with change? (bipolarreality.net)
- The Psychology of Self-Punishment (theartsyfilmblog.com)
- Crazy English Summer pt. 2
- Crazy English Summer pt. 3
- Goodbye Superwoman (teepee12.wordpress.com)
- Self-worth needs to go beyond appearance (eurekalert.org)
- The Worst Person to Lie to is Y-O-U! (secretworldofs.wordpress.com)