But the story is over.

Worry of any sort inevitably leaves me with the total inability to sleep, unless I take codeine. Since I’m trying not to rely on it, stress means sleepless nights now, and last night was no different to the usual rigmarole. I sat up in bed all night, watching films and trying to read; all while wondering if today would bring hideous, horrible, devastating news.

By 9am, I was fast asleep, finally worn down by the hours of staring at two different screens and leaning against pillows too soft for my neck to feel supported. I did try to stay awake, but by the time I crawled under the topsheet I’d decided that I wasn’t going to miss out on vital sleep just because somebody’s decided to make my life difficult.

And made my life difficult, they have.

The fraud officer was quite nice; but I’m a cynical cow at heart and I wasn’t sure if she was just trying to get me to confess to some terrible crime. You see, someone had reported me. Not only that, but they reported me for the most ridiculous reason; they contacted the benefits office and told them I had a job.

As you can imagine, this is pointless stress I really don’t need.

Quite why somebody would make up something so ridiculous is beyond me. Out of every option they had to ruin my life, they chose the one thing I could prove without a doubt; that I am unemployed and, apart from a few short stints attempting voluntary work, have never had a job. Not a single one. Nowt. Zilch. How stupid are they?

To prove my innocence, I have to supply the DWP with bank statements. For the past god knows how many years. It’s a nightmare; my mother is stressed out beyond belief with the thought of having to deal with it all (since my benefits go into her bank) and she’s spent the entire day ripping the house apart and freaking out. I doubt she’ll sleep tonight. See, this is why it’s all so cruel; fair enough to have a problem with me, but don’t take it out on my mother, for the love of God. She’s ill. She can’t take it. She’s a bloody pensioner; she doesn’t deserve to be caught in the middle of my battles.

I just wish I know what those battles were, because as far as I can tell I’ve never given any reason for someone to suspect I’m working whilst claiming benefits. It has to be vindictive, and that hurts. I’ve been outspoken in the past, but never cruel. If I ever have truly hurt someone, it was always when I was scared, and they knew that. As horrible as some of my exes are, I don’t suspect any of them – it’s just not their style, and they’re the only people I’ve hurt that I’m aware of.

Z messaged me on Facebook after the appointment was over – with a promise to provide bank statements – and asked if I wanted to go to the market to buy some body jewellery. I was tired and somewhat frazzled by the news someone hates me enough to piss on my parade, and usually in that situation I’d cry off, faking some sort of illness, and distract myself with computer games and food. Today though, I decided fuck it; I’ve given up too much of my life because other people have tried to push me back.

We got a lift off her friend, and spent a while browsing plugs and labret bars for his soon-to-be-pierced lip. I bought a cherry blossom plug in 14mm, and some Directions hair colour in a dark pink; I had my fringe and the hair underneath bleached and dyed bright pink last week, but the colour refused to grab and it’s mostly copper. A nice colour, but not what I wanted, so Z is going to attempt to fix it for me on Friday.

Back at her house, I chatted to Z’s boyfriend, Steve, while she pierced her friend. I suppose it probably looks weird typing that; I can assure you we’re not using frozen sausages and earrings. Z and I met on a piercing forum and we’re both quite obsessive about doing things right; the combination of BPD and bipolar works quite well in that respect.

I saw O today. We both have a friend in common, so it was bound to happen eventually. I saw him walking towards me and said “well, this is awkward”. He sat down and said hello. I asked how the kids were, and he said “fine”. I sat and smoked a joint and wondered quite why I’d chosen that particular time to visit. Our friend said, “yeah, sorry. I didn’t think. Are you two on good terms now?”.

I looked at O. Are we? Were we, rather, since we haven’t spoken for over a year?

“Yeah. Well, I hope so”, O replied.

I looked at him for what felt like a little too long. He’s the one who stopped speaking to me, after all. And for the second time today I decided to say “fuck it”, and agreed.

O can’t hurt me now. I realise that. So what harm would chatting over a friend’s dining-room table do?¬† Once, I loved O more than life itself, but it was an unhealthy love. It was bourne of fear, jealousy and BPD-obsession. As we chatted about his new house and his son helping him wash the car, I didn’t feel a single twinge of pain for the past. Once, I believed that I would physically tear apart if O left. Now… I have S. I have a boyfriend who – for the first time – makes me feel safe and valued. My love for S eclipses anything I’ve ever felt before. I adore him.

Something in me suspects that O and I will never be friends again. Maybe we’ll bump into each other now and then, but the story’s over.

I never thought I’d say this, but I’m glad. It was a part of my life which didn’t have S in it, and I’ve come to realise that a life without S means nothing to me. In a way, I suppose I’m grateful to O for him hurting me. If he hadn’t, I’d never have met someone so wonderful.

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  1. Love from Bath, Maine, where the sun just came out! I’m sorry about the bank stuff, but can’t your mom call the bank — they should be able to print every statement she has ever had! That would ease her fears, make the no-job proof easier, and get this behind you. Do you think the “friends” who outed your blog — they might be behind this, just to be pissy. Since you can prove you haven’t had a job, I would suggest that worrying really doesn’t have much place here.

    Oh, and with your mom, if the bank won’t print the statements for her, maybe you can have her get online banking, and then you’d be able to print them at home. Good luck! 8-)


  2. I am glad to read that things are going to work out. I am sorry for the stress it has caused you and you Mum. I do hope that it will be a simple fix from this point forward. Also good for you for stepping out today and facing some things and people from the past! Well done all around. ;)


  3. All you have to do is dig up past bank statements!? Awesome! Ones that are missing you might be able to get from the bank. Hopefully, this will be all behind you soon!
    Don’t you love that “Fuck it” feeling? Sort of releases you from caring. Caring about something you realize you don’t want or need to care about. Like “Go ahead, make my day”!
    Seems you found closure with O. Good, time to move on….which you already have…but today seemed to finalize it!


    • My mother and I are going into the bank tomorrow to try and get the statements. There’s a fee, but hopefully it won’t be too high. Sorted out the reimbursement from the DWP is going to be a nightmare; I can’t believe someone would report me for benefit fraud in a way that would cost the government even more money. Ridiculous.

      The closure feels good. Strange because I didn’t expect it, but like real closure.


  4. I’ve been thinking of you and wondered how it all went. I’m glad to hear things were better than expected and your benefits will continue (after the fun event of getting all the paperwork, that is. Oh joy, oh bliss!)

    (LOL, that’s something I wish they’d taught us in school is how to deal with all the flippin’ paperwork that comes with adult life. Oops, sorry, that’s another topic all in itself!) ;)

    I’m sorry your Mum was pulled into this entirely unnecessary event. People! All I can do is sit here and shake my head…glad you have your support here, your friends, and the love of S. :)


  5. Long time reader, first time commenter, so, Hi!
    Sometimes people’s stupidity actually surprises me, this is one of those times. Reporting you for having a job that you don’t have, how ridiculous and such a waste of time for everyone involved, but I hope you’ll sleep easier tonight knowing that it’ll soon be sorted.

    I love your hair colour and piercings, by the way. I’m toying with the idea of decorating my ears further than a stud in each, I really want my tragus pierced and more holes in the lobes because I have so many pretty earrings and so little space to put them! I’ve never used Directions, is it any good? I mostly use crazy colour because it’s easy to get, but if directions is good do let me know!

    Take care. x


    • Hello! Nice to meet you!
      You’re right, it’s a total waste of time and that’s what makes me so angry. I’m sure the DWP have more important things to do than chase up a malicious claim. The bank staff really do have more important things than dealing with all the statements and other proof. My mother? She’s up the wall with stress. It’s ridiculous.

      And thank you! Tragus piercings are awesome, and good ones to start with. I started out with a single pair of lobes, and the
      collection just grew. It’s addictive, I warn you!

      I haven’t used Directions before; my friend is going to dye my hair on Friday so I’ll let you know if it’s any good. Apparently it’s quite similar to Crazy Colour (which I LOVE) but thicker, so coats the hair better.

      You take care too x


  6. Wow, I can’t believe someone did that to you, although I had a similar experience with the police coming to my house with concerns for the children (my f’n sister). I guess the only positive is that it’s total BS & makes the other person look like a total DB. Sorry you had to go through that, let’s hope it doesn’t happen again. XO


    • In a way, I always saw it coming one day. Not because I’ve done anything – since I haven’t – but because life just seems to shit on me at times for no reason. So in a way I can believe someone would do it to me. Not that I feel any better now it’s finally happened. Your sister called the police on you? That’s disgusting. Some people are just beyond belief. I’m so sorry she did that to you.


      • Ah, we have the same “luck” – always bad! I have teenagers, so we pretend we’re cursed & kind of laugh at this crap as it comes now, it makes me wonder what I did in a past life? Puppy holocaust? Must have!

        Are you able to find out who made the call? I was able to by saying that I had the right to know who my harasser was, given that what she was saying was so obviously false when the PD came to the house. You should really try to find out, bc you could technically file a claim against him/her in civil court for harassment, sorry I’m in the legal field. XOXO


  7. I’m glad to hear you’ll be able to prove your innocence, even if it will be a painful process. I’m even more glad to hear that you’ve gathered enough gumption to say “fuck it” in defiance of such a horrible day.


  8. Sorry it’s still stressful right now but sounds like it’s close to being sorted. Some people are just mean. Good on you for saying fuck it and turning an O negative into S positive is great, I smiled a lot when I read that part :~)


  9. Hi there. I haven’t been blogging much lately. And by blogging, I don’t mean just posting but also reading other blogs. I’ve been thinking about you and wondering how you’re doing.

    Sorry to hear you have to go through that crap. Why on earth would anyone do something so shitty? It blows my mind.


  10. Yea for you getting out and going on about life. The plug is great, you have ‘new hair,’ and I’m really glad The Visit relates to an improbability you can point out. I know it doesn’t drop the stress of it all, but maybe the second pink-out will pull you through to a lighter way of walking with the unfinished parts of this saga.

    (maybe the claim thing was a ruse, and your name came up on the computer because the government “needs to cut spending.” That happened to me, but I dated a guy at the time who knew the law on disability inside out… so he called out the government and I went on with my weird life. I nearly came apart at the seams during the “period of inquiry,” though. It’s intimidating.


    • Thank you Meredith. I haven’t considered that the claim may not be true… hmm. That’s certainly given me something to think about! To be honest though, there are a few people out there who’ve said to my face that they’d report me, so it probably is just someone being an idiot. I can’t believe it happened to you; what a horrible way for them to go about things.


  11. I cant understand why people are so cruel- all i can think is they are so jealous that you are finding happiness in certain ares of your life (which you really deserve by the way) that they are willing to sabotage you! Well fuck them and all their evil crap! You will be ok babes! Much love xxx


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