Sick to my stomach

Sinking to the depths again
the ones you never quite reach
heart in my hands and head on the floor
wishing I was anyone but me.

Falling for my weakness again
and welcoming it like a friend
crushing my heart between my fingers
– that heart you tried to mend.

Sad, tired eyes searching for you
but my hands can’t seem to grip
aching head and swollen fingers
and the shame because I slipped.

sick in my skin and dead to the world
it’s cold on the bathroom floor
smash all the mirrors and hide the pieces
I don’t want them anymore.

(c) 2006


Bulimia, unlike many of the things I’ve experienced, is strangely easy to write about. The reason for this is most likely because when I think of myself as being “bulimic”, it’s like stepping into somebody else and watching myself from the outside; almost like a movie. It isn’t real. Even after fifteen years of binging and purging, something inside me still refuses to accept that I could possibly have an eating disorder. 

ED’s happen to other people, you see. Not me. I simply… have a little trouble with food. Since I first made myself sick at eleven years old it’s all been a sort of blur to me. I know it happened, but it may as well be somebody else’s story because I can’t ever quite accept it’s not all a big lie I concocted to get attention. 


  1. Wow. The comments at the end about attention seeking really hits home. I don’t think my food issues should be brought up by me to anyone because I’ve convinced myself that I’m just blowing it out of proportion. There’s a million other girls with a ‘real’ eating disorder. At least that’s how it feels to me. Like it’s not a problem yet or i’d be dead already.


  2. Honey, these are not lies. No one but you could read what you write and question your sincerity, and that is the fucking bullshit mental stuff talking. EDs are serious illnesses, and you have done really well to talk to S. about it. He doesn’t think you’re trying to get attention. Please be careful not to let your own head screw you up. Love from coastal Maine, where Mom and I had lobster for supper. yum!


  3. I totally get you with feeling like it’s happening to someone else and that if you say anything you’re being attention seeking. But the truth is, you’re not being attention seeking, it’s just the little demons in your head trying to tell you that to stop you getting the help you need. Sending you love and hugs, and as it’s my night praying tonight, you will be prayed for. Xxx


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