Dear Diary: 17th/19th January 2006

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Tuesday 17th January 2006

College was just horrible. Felt ugly, fat, and the mirrors just made me feel worse. I always feel so unattractive in college; maybe it’s because everyone else seems to have great hair. Fell asleep at 7pm, woke up at 11 and now I can’t sleep, again. I’m totally dreading being on reception duty in college tomorrow, but I just can’t force myself to sleep.

Ended up crying to O over the phone tonight; he feels so far away. I’m just exhausted, at a loss what to do about a million things. I hate reading back through all this; it’s so depressing. Not the way I wanted it to be at all. But heck, I’m a serial whinger. That’s why I’m public enemy number one, right? Because I dare to have feelings. I’ve faced worse than all this, I know I have. So why does it feel like I’m dying inside?

I can’t decide what to do with my life. It’s getting me down.

Thursday 19th January

Reception training again. It was so unbelieveably busy and I felt like I’d go crazy. Still, I coped with it; which is something. I get the feeling I’ve overbooked someone, but it serves them right for putting someone so inept in charge of appointments.

I’m really worrying about getting all my course assessments finished in time. I know compared to most of the class I’m actually ahead, but still… it doesn’t feel good enough. I’ve only got until half-term (mid February) to complete, then I have to cough up another £52 for a level 2 logbook.

The diet’s going okay. Cheated a bit at lunchtime – pasta – but it’s okay. I can get back on track. It’s hard at college because everyone usually eats out together on Wednesdays and Thursdays, and it’s hard to stick to a diet when faced with all the things I can’t have. Plus, I don’t want to look like a snob if I don’t go with them or don’t eat. I hate admitting to being on a diet, because somebody always says “you don’t need to!” when I so obviously do. It’s embarassing.

When I started copying out entries from one of my old diaries, the idea was to follow it through right to the end. Then life took over a little and I forgot about it; reading about the past and the tangled mess of college, my relationship with S, and eventually therapy… it was difficult. Looking back with the benefit of hindsight can be painful. I did so much wrong. 

After deciding to go back to my old diary, I discovered it’s lost. The A4-sized black book filled with biro scibblings and breakdowns is nowhere to be seen. I’ve searched under my bed and through my bookcase, and there’s no sign of it. Hopefully I’ll find it when I start packing for the move, but for now… it seems the past is lost. I don’t know how it’ll feel if I never find it. Things have a habit of disappearing in this house.

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  1. What do you aim to do with the diary once you’ve copied out all the old entries (should it turn up)? Personally, I’m all for ceremonially burning these things, as a symbolic letting go of the troubles of the past. But it’s your choice.

    I hope you do find it, though, as I think right now you need to have it there to remind you of how far you’ve come.


  2. This reminds me of something I used to do…started reading my old diary… I was so shocked that I soon stopped (lol). But seriously…your entries here sound like my ordinary days at university :( so you’re not the only one to feel like **** at school if that helps.
    But I do hope you’ll find your diary again! Even if one decides to stop, it’s important to have an access to the past …sooner or later.


  3. I’ve kept a diary on and off for years. When I read them now I see how much better my life is by comparison. Yes, I still fight my demons, but there’s an overall improvement that I’m grateful for. I hope that you find your old diary again.


  4. I too hope you find your diary again, and very soon. I admire your courage to go back and re-read. I have to prepare myself to go back into some rather painful stuff, but on the other hand, the insights gleaned from the experiences can be a very welcome respite. More often than not, despite the good, bad and indifferent, I find my instincts were usually spot on. I hope you find some sunshine mixed in too.


  5. Hello, luv, and lots of love vibes from this side of the pond. Please take care not to blame yourself for what goes wrong in relationships — there are always 2 sides, and some of the problems came from the other person in the relationship. You are a lovely woman, saddled with some truly horrible problems, and we all tend to forget what goes well in our dealing with them. Please be nice to my friend — she deserves it, and so much more — love her. 8-)


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