Dear Diary – 14th/15th/16th January 2006

< 9th/10th January

< 11th/12th/13th January

Saturday 14th January 2006

When I’m alone a million fears creep in. I get insecure, anxious, panicky; but the second I’m with O, I find those fears evaporating. I almost wish they didn’t, because then I find it impossibIe to talk about my thoughts and I really need to. He goes to Hull for training on Monday and I’m worried how I’ll cope with not being able to just call him or go for a coffee together.

Every week I get nervous about going in to college on Tuesday, but the thought of going back next week makes me feel sick. I really don’t know what I’m going to do about the course; it’s looking more likely that my health – long and short term – is going to make it difficult. I’m desperate to get the anaemia sorted before it kills me; who would have thought that something so common coud feel so horrendous. I’ve lived with it for six months now and I just want to stop feeling so tired and drained. I’m 21, yet I feel like an old woman.

I think I need to write a letter to O and give it to him in person. I know that if I try to speak, it will all come out wrong. I don’t want him thinking I want us to split up or anything; that’s the last thing I want. The thing I’m trying to prevent. Perhaps I’m blowing things out of proportion anyway; it wouldn’t be the first time.

Sunday 15th January

Found it hard to get to sleep last night. The room was too hot and my legs were restless, my mind clunking along. Lay in the dark with my leg touching O’s and thought too much. As usual.

I feel guilty for staying at his every weekend; I worry I’m imposing on his family and putting them out. O says it’s fine but I’m not sure it is. I wish we had enough money to get somewhere to live, but that seems impossible. It’s embarassing, wondering if his family can hear us having sex, having to go through the living room to get to the loo, being seen with no make-up on. I suppose I don’t think enough of myself to believe I could be welcome.

Monday 16th January

Woke up thinking about college tomorrow; I’m dreading it. I’m so convinced I’ve made a mistake with my career choice*. I feel like I should go back to something academic, my brain feels useless. I’m not used to more manual thinking and it’s just not me. I worry I’ll turn out losing the things I know; I’m already having trouble remembering stuff and backing down far too easily in debates. I was devastated when my memory didn’t return after the overdose, so what if this is the same thing, happening again for a different reason?

O got to Hull okay. He had to go on his bike, which I admit I was a bit worried about but I don’t want him to lose his job. As much as I hate him working at the bike dealership (where everybody hates me) he needs to do it. Like college; I hate it but I have to do it for money in the future. It all seems to come down to money at the moment.


Dear Diary – 11th/12th/13th January 2006

< 9th/10th January 2006.

Wednesday 11th January


Woke up at 7:15 feeling like crap. Had a quick shower and got a taxi to the hospital. Had to  give loads of embarassing info about my sex life, drug use, hospital stays (I decided not to mention the emergency admission) before seeing Dr Thomas. Had yet another internal scan with three people watching. I need to go back in six weeks to have the lining of my cervix burned away. Dr Thomas said it may get the bleeding under control. It was hard, sitting in the waiting room watching all these women coming out with their little scan pictures. I asked the doctor about my chances of conceiving, but he said right now it would be too invasive to find out.

Dreading college tomorrow. I’m so tired and so damn depressed. Feel like nobody is supporting me with this; feels like O has turned his back on me. Maybe I’m paranoid, but lately he hasn’t been answering my calls, he hasn’t spoken to me like he used to and rarely comes online anymore. I know new year was hard for us, but he insisted he was going to change; if this is how he’s changing, I don’t like it.

Maybe I should have simply forgiven him. Maybe that would have been easier. But I’m just not the soft touch I used to be. I’m thinking that’s maybe not such a good thing. Am I being used?

Thursday 12th January

I need  to remember to hide this diary, especially if E* is staying tomorrow night. No such thing as privacy in this house.

A funny day, really. I’m still a little worried about he diathermy – looked it up online and it sounds painful – and the tiredness; today was just ridiculous, I didn’t feel awake once. Slept for four hours this evening and still don’t feel right. Need to ring the doctor in the morning.

I feel guilty over what I wrote about O yesterday. It’s not his fault I’m finding it so difficult to get over new year, not his fault circumstance has made it difficult to contact him. I need to have a good talk to myself about this; I can’t go on with the paranoia, can’t spend my life feeling like I have to defend my position with him. Yes, he did something wrong and I don’t think he expects me to forgive him but for my own sanity I need to force myself to let it go. It’s so hard though. When someone you love shatters yourr trust for them, it’s difficult to say, “okay, that’s fine. There’s no denying I love him, that’s never been a question, but I can’t help the fear that something is going on. We’re into our second year together; I should be able to deal better with it. I’ve just never been good at this sort of thing.

Friday 13th January

Spent the day alone. Woke up feeling awful, like I’ve got a cold. Spoke to O, felt really guilty that I had to say I coudn’t see him; I want to do as much as I can to heal the rift between us and I know being tired and needing to spend the day in bed probably doesn’t help. Mind you, neither does falling asleep at his house, so I probably can’t win either way.

I think O is more secure with this than I am. I can still feel a sort of atmosphere between us,but I get the impression it’s me causing it. I have so many issues I need to work through; I only recently got over our first real argument and that was over six months ago. So how long will it take me to deal with this? I’m trying hard to pretend it’s all fine, but the mask keeps slipping.

*my sister

Dear Diary – 9th/10th January, 2006

A few posts back, I wrote about finding one of my old diaries in my mother’s bedroom. Over a few days I read what I had written, and realised that although I’m still angry that she betrayed my trust after I thought we were doing well building a relationship, in a way I’m glad she kept it; I’ve learned a lot about myself through those diary entries, and I’ve decided to share some of them.

Monday 9th January, 2006.

I’ve always written a diary with the idea that maybe somebody else would read it. I think that’s why I always give up a few months in. So this diary will be written by me, for me, and nobody else.

I have been alive for 21 years and 1 month. 2006 is my 22nd year; something I’m finding hard to digest. I never thought I would see 21. It always seemed like a million years away, a goal I could never achieve, an age I didn’t want to reach. I find it hard to imagine how low I sunk through the years; the overdoses, the starving, the running away, the total disregard for myself. I never thought I’d get this far. I didn’t want to.

I’m not entirely sure how this year is going to pan out. There’s no denying it started off badly; nearly breaking up with O, the arguments, the fact that as new year arrived I was alone… I can only hope it’s not an indication that 2006 is going to be a crap year.

Met Elizabeth in town today*; we planned to see Brokeback Mountain but our cinema isn’t showing it. I can’t wait for the day I can move away from here. Sadly, since I have another two or three years left of college, it doesn’t look like it’ll be soon.

* Elizabeth and I were best friends for a number of years; we met at college and she called me her sister, said we were soulmates. Like most things in my life, I ruined the relationship (although she played a part) and we no longer speak.

Tuesday 10th January


Eventually got to bed at 2.30 last night, but didn’t get to sleep until 6. Tossed and turned for hours, opened the window, kicked the cat, put the light on, but just couldn’t sleep. Woke up half an hour later after a horrible dream and I know there’s no way I’m going to sleep after that. O is so cruel in my dreams, and I know it’s not really him but they’re so painfully realistic sometimes that I woke up fully believing he would leave me crying on the floor, that he would cut me out of his life. That’s my biggest fear.



I didn’t go into college today. Set off as normal, feeling a bit agitated after the dream, then halfway there I started shaking and feeling panicky, like I was closed in, like everyone was staring at me. Got off the bus and sat down at the bus stop and tried to call O but got no reply. Sat there for a while, getting more and more anxious, sweating, wanting to cry. Phoned college in the end and left a message; Ros will probably think I’m a crazy woman, I was stuttering and losing my train of thought. Took me forever to get hold of O and by then I was so stressed out I could only shout and rant at him for not answering earlier. Feel so guilty about it now. I know we desperetly need to talk. Otherwise, I think we might just fall apart.

Ate some soup then fell asleep when I got home. Tried speaking to O again but I can’t get the words out. I feel utterly useless today.