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It’s finally cooled down a little. The breeze from the sea has picked up, and I’m no longer wilting. I don’t know if I can take much more of this heat; I have an appointment to get my ankle scanned at the hospital tomorrow, and the idea of another hot, sweaty day – especially if I have to sit for a while in the tiny, cramped waiting room – is almost unbearable. Usually I’d meet S for a coffee in his break, but this appointment’s at 9am; so it’s unlikely we’ll see each other.

After some encouragement, I’ve finally set up a Facebook account/page for Halfway Between the Gutter. Over the last few weeks I’ve had a lot of visitors from Facebook; others have linked to my posts, I assume. I’m thinking maybe it’ll be a way to chat with other bloggers without having to sacrifice being anonymous.

My personal account

“Like” blog page

You can also like the blog page with the widget on the right hand side.

I’ve also had a photograph featured on Broken Light Collective; a community of photographers living with mental illness.

 
20 Comments

Posted by on May 28, 2012 in Every day life

 

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I’m learning to walk again, I believe I’ve waited long enough

Spent most of the night wasting time online, reading other blogs and smoking. I never sleep well the night after I leave S’s house; I miss having his arms around me when I fall asleep. I know, soft isn’t it? I’ve never liked sleeping in the same bed as somebody else – I move around a lot, kick, flail, get too hot then too cold – but sleeping with S has never been the problem it always has in the past. He just has to put his arm over my chest and dig his nose into my back, and I’m calm. I sleep like a baby.

In contrast, most of today has been spent catching up on the sleep I missed last night. I did manage to get out for a walk (admittedly, I was forced to go because tobacco supplies were running dangerously low), wander down the embankment near the marshes and actually get out on my own for once. It’s been a long time since I felt able to go for any real kind of walk, but the sun (it’s been another hot, unseasonal day) buoys me up significantly.

I paid for it, of course. Aching legs and a headache. I used to walk miles every day without thinking about it; now all I can manage is a trip to the shops. Sometimes, that’s a really depressing thought.

I’ve never been particularly into fitness, but in my childhood I ran around a lot. In my teens, I walked constantly, wandering for hours. Early twenties, I’d make myself go out every single day for long walks along the sea front. I love the freedom of being outdoors, which is strange considering my agoraphobia; you’d think I’d hate the wide-open spaces and being able to see right across the sea. I don’t though; it’s only people I can’t stand. On my own, I’m in my element. I miss having that freedom now, and feel almost cheated that it’s been taken away from me by chronic pain and fatigue. I want to try walking again – today’s attempt could have gone much worse – but I’m worried by my limitations. I still don’t know when to stop, how to conserve energy for the rest of the day.

Sometimes I worry this is all I’ll ever be able to do. That my strength is gone.

I still don’t have the guts to weigh myself. I should have done it two weeks ago, but I’ve been putting it off in case I somehow weigh more or haven’t lost anything. I’ve been controlling the binges quite well, and I’ve stopped eating in the middle of the night, and along with loosely following the Slimfast diet I think I may have lost a couple of pounds but I just don’t dare go step on those scales in case it sets off a series of events I can’t control.

 

 
50 Comments

Posted by on March 26, 2012 in Every day life

 

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Late Night Café

Sitting in a late night café
Cradling coffee and our private tortures
On this hot summer night
Nothing seems right
As I wait for you
To speak.
As we sit by the window,
The world passes by
And the breeze in the trees
Whispers to me.
My heart is on the ground
Swept away with the cigarette butts
I am drowning
On this late summer night.
Sitting in a late night cafe
Coffee untouched and words unsaid
Nothing feels right, and tonight
…I am alone in a crowded room.

(c) 2004

 

 
51 Comments

Posted by on May 16, 2011 in Poetry

 

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