30 Days Of Truth: Day 2

Something you love about yourself.

Of course, this was always going to be the most difficult question. Something I love? About myself? You have to be kidding. Still, I do have a bit of affection for the jumble of synapses and bones I am, in my cynical heart. It’s true that I don’t like myself much, but I concede that I could be much worse. I don’t go around stabbing people or smashing windows.

I’m not quite sure that anybody truly loves themselves. If they do, I take my hat off to them, because I find the whole concept so downright alien. I don’t spend my life beating myself up, but I do regularly accept that I could be making more of an effort to sort my life out, that I’m not the prettiest girl in the street, my past; anything I can find to throw at myself.

I love my brain. Twee answer, I know. This is why I’m so afraid of the tests showing something wrong.

I can read and write, which makes me who I am. Although my brain is often faulty – sending signals that something entirely innocuous like a button falling off my favourite shirt is a huge threat, for example – it’s who I am. I don’t believe in the concept of a soul; not really. I am made of tissue and blood cells. Everything which I am is stored in my head and, really, that’s amazing.

I am terrified of dementia or brain injury. My stepfather sustained a head injury and it changed him so much. Seeing his room covered in sticky notes to remind him of the most basic functions… I couldn’t go there. I’d lose all my limbs before I let anything take away my ability to think clearly. Sometimes I get incredibly upset at the thought of going blind and never being able to properly read a book again. I know there are talking books, and braille, and a minute chance I would ever go blind, but it’s just not the same as looking at the paper in a real book. To lose the ability to see the texture of the pages and the typeface, I don’t think I could cope with that.

The brain fascinates me, especially the ways it can go wrong. I’ve been reading about Alice In Wonderland Syndrome and Exploding Head Syndrome recently. S believes he’s experienced AIWS, and I’ve certainly experienced painfully loud noises as I’m falling asleep; the last time it happened was only a few weeks ago.

So yes. I love my brain.