In which I didn’t die

When you have a fear over something – be it general anxiety, agoraphobia, spiders or – in my case – being sick –   you’re often given the advice “remember, you won’t die”.

On the surface it’s good advice, and very true. CBT (or my experience of it) focused on that a lot, and I can imagine most people who don’t experience such extreme fear see it as perfectly sensible advice which can really help. So I don’t begrudge those who tell me this; apart from those in the psychiatric profession, who should know better, because it’s all well and good saying “it won’t kill you”, but anyone living with fear knows that there’s absolutely nothing rational about the red-hot tangle of despair and terror.

But, I didn’t die. I stopped being sick once the anti-emetics kicked in, and I’ve been able to eat without feeling nauseous. I’m still scared of the idea of it starting again, and there’s a huge bruise on my  hand from the IV, but I didn’t die. I’m okay.

Somehow, it always ends up okay. I don’t know how.

moving on


  Today, I received a message on Facebook, from someone I don’t know. The quotes in bold/underlined are about me.

L: haha aww only messin calm down lad!! do u wanna know who **** an *** are! they are both COCKS!
Yesterday at 00:16 · Like

P: Hahahaha, I know :P And, yup, there not the best to...Id bang *** mind, but apart from that….hahaha. There both in **** little prick gang
Yesterday at 00:18 · Like

L: EERRRR ud bang that moshery pierced skanky slut! she is gettin slapped off me when i see her! fukin fuk wits cunts all of them!! omg i just wanna go in the forum now an start a massive argument! it was that fukin slag ***** who banned me l…
See more
Yesterday at 00:23 · Like

P: Hahahaha. I, cos I hate the tit, report **** every time he swears, or user letters to repalce, 5hit for example, and asks why he doesnt get banned. I shall mention your banning the next time :P And id take the piercings out first mind. How do you know her?
Yesterday at 00:24 · Like

L: haha i dont know her some one told me her name an i nosied on here!! fugly fukin bint!! i reported ***** twice for calling me a tw@t but nowt will get done i so wanna know who that cunt is!!!
Yesterday at 00:31 · Like

P: Is she? She had a really close up shot of her eyes as her profile pic, and im a sucker for big blue eyes. So to be honest, i only went by that pic! And yea, would love to crack that prick. But then he’s in that clique that apparently doesnt exist!
Yesterday at 09:21 · Like · 1 person

Both of these people claim to be adults, so it beggars belief that they would be so immature as to say such things on Facebook, especially since I’ve had very little to do with either of them, and in fact had left that forum a while back due to becoming upset and irrational over people’s attitudes to mental illness (in hindsight, it probably wasn’t irrational – the idea of the majority seeing those with mental illnesses as ‘scum’ is never a nice thing to hear when you’re struggling yourself).

It naturally raised issues about trust, because, in all honest truth, I don’t know who I can believe or what people have been saying about me. I’m opinionated online, true; I always have been. In real life, although I’m beginning to open up more, I’m still quite shy and insecure, and I do take it personally when somebody says something about me. So I can understand why some may feel it’s acceptable to kick out at me online, as it looks like I can take it. Of course I can’t. After reading that message, I had to call S to distract myself from self-harming. The urge to grab a knife and rip my arm apart was stronger than it’s been for years, I came so close to doing it, and that makes me angry. Angry that someone else can make me feel that way. Angry that someone would talk about me in such a public place as Facebook, when I’ve done nothing to them (and I truly know I haven’t done anything to them).

My instinct is to run from everyone. Run, and leave it all behind, so I know nobody can hurt me or talk about me. That’s classic borderline, right there, which is why I know I should ignore that instinct and just carry on as normal. It’s so difficult though; I’m heading towards a panic attack as I write, and I know I have very little in to calm me. No codeine, no weed. A little alcohol, but I’ve tried not to go down that route. I may have to tonight though, which disappoints me. I want to be stronger.

I feel so insecure. Looking back over the past few days, I’ve been quite wary without really realising it; I’ve been quietly questioning my relationship with S, wondering if he’s going to tire of me soon and leave. The more I think about it, the more rational it sounds, and I don’t want to mention those fears to him because it’s clingy behaviour,  and he deserves more than my insecure ramblings. I feel bad enough about phoning him earlier.

My own mind frightens me sometimes. An hour ago, I was standing in my bedroom, staring at the wall, thinking about overdoses. Not outright suicide, but just… really irrational thoughts. How it would feel to suddenly not be here. How easy it would be to disappear. I quickly shook myself out of it and gave myself a talking to, but why am I feeling that way over someone I don’t even know? I honestly thought I’d left that behind; the outright panic when I get upset, the sudden fear, the urge to damage myself. I thought I’d dealt with it. Obviously not.